Author: laurenwaikart

Getting Unstuck from Negative Thoughts

laurenwaikart

So it begins

I’m in a bad mood.

It happens frequently enough. Sometimes I wake up just feeling cranky and with a teeny tiny fuse. Good luck navigating me today family! It has to be frustrating for them to have to deal with me when I’m in this state, just as it’s frustrating for me when I’m dealing with them in this state.

Last time, I wrote about the power of our narrator, and how, more often than not, our narrator sucks a big one. Over this past month I’ve been observing my inner narrator more frequently, particularly when I notice some sort of emotion: guilt, shame, anger, etc. I’ve been trying to use those emotions as a cue to check in with my inner dialogue. More often than not, my narrator is in completely whiny B mode. “UGH! Something inconvenient again! Why won’t anyone leave me alone?? Why do I have to do everything myself! I’m so unappreciated! Wah wah wah!”

Interrupting the negative thoughts

If I heard that come out of my 6yo’s mouth I’d (discreetly) roll my eyes and then work to offer some reassurance or distraction. When it rolls around in my own head though, it feels serious. You may think that because I’m a therapist and personal growth addict, I easily and gracefully apply therapeutic principles to myself. After all, I teach such principles to my clients on a daily basis. But alas, you’d be wrong. I’m just as susceptible to getting caught up in my thoughts as the next person.

When I wrote last time, I focused on how changing the narrator can completely change your perspective on a given situation. What I didn’t address last time I wrote, was about how darn hard it can be to untether yourself from the current story line. I mean, it’s a multi-step process with plenty of opportunities to get reeled back in.

#1: Notice the your thoughts

The first step, of course, would be to notice what the story is. You can’t tie your shoe if you don’t first notice that it’s untied. You have to be willing and able to shift your attention away from the outside world towards your inner world. When you do this, sometimes you find immediate change is possible. Like the observer effect, the mere presence of you observing your thoughts might be enough for (also) you to realize – “whoa, that’s a bit extreme. And also not true, so let’s move on.” If you can pull this off, and can successfully disentangle yourself from an unhelpful story line, you can stop here. Congratulations! You demonstrate adaptive cognitive flexibility!

For the rest of us, read on.

So you’ve successful identified your story line. It’s brutal. One option would be to read back over it, gentle challenging yourself on some of your finer points. “No, you aren’t a horrible person. Yes, you do have people who care from you. You’ve exaggerating how bad it’s going to be, etc.” This is what CBT would have us do and it can be a downright effective technique. What would your wise mind say to your narrator’s lode of tripe? How about a voice of compassion?

But my negative thoughts are like, REALLY mean. And stubborn.

You may find that if you try to challenge really strong thoughts, you fall into a heated argument about whether or not you suck, and frankly that’s not super helpful. What if you’re just feeling too bitchy? This afternoon, I didn’t even want to challenge my thoughts. It felt as though I was too angry and annoyed and frankly justified – cue whiny B voice: “I don’t need to challenge these thoughts because I AM unappreciated!” In the moment, I could get to step one (“Hmm…I seem to be having quite a few negative thoughts”), but just noticing wasn’t enough to make them go away, nor was it enough to change their impact on me.

#2 Notice how the negative thoughts are affecting your body

My next step was to practice some good old-fashion mindfulness skills. I did a quick body scan to see how these thoughts and emotions were impacting the rest of my body. Very quickly I noticed that I was clenching my jaw and tensing my shoulders, so I stopped that. Continuing to scan, I then realize that my stomach may be hungry…or thirsty. Maybe I just need a snack? I notice other sensations. A stabbing pain in my shoulder. A mild ache in my back. My feet on the floor. My clothes on my body.

#3 Notice when the inner critic shows up, and shift focus

The third step also comes to us from mindfulness. When you’re in the middle of a mindfulness or meditation session, one of the primary skills you work on is the idea of returning to the present moment. You focus on breath or a mantra or whatever else. Then you notice that your thoughts wander off and once you notice it, you bring your attention back to your breath. Your thoughts wander off again, you return them to your breath. Over and over again. It reminds me of trying to take a picture of a baby who has recently learned how to crawl. You pose baby just so – baby crawls off. You grab baby and put her back. She crawls off again. Etc.

Crawl GIF from Crawl GIFs

When it comes to story narration, the idea is similar. You notice that a certain story is playing, you acknowledge it again, and you shift your focus to what youre doing right now. When your thoughts slide back into that negative loop again, you grab them and plop that back into the present. Over and over again. Labeling the story playing can help – oh, there’s that whiny B again trying to rant at me. Give the narrator a title or an image. Externalizing this voice in your head can to create distance between YOU and the thoughts.

The above step is harder on some days than others. Sometimes my Whiny B narrator is really freaking loud. It’s like having a neighbor who has their music blaring on a station that’s causing your eardrums to bleed. How am I supposed to focus with that going on? By moving on to the last step.

#4) Ride it out with love

Take a time out and just observe your internal process for awhile. This is not the same as noticing. This is a longer more intentional act of sitting with everything that you’re holding on to. The frustration of your situation. The discomfort of the feelings. The annoyingness of your thoughts. Notice the WHOLE package of your current experience. And offer the entity that’s going through this challenge some love and compassion. Life is hard. Living is hard. Having feelings and a fear-mongering brain is hard. We’re all trying our best. Me included. You included. Give yourself a big old bear hug and let yourself know that you are on your side.

Is Your Inner Monologue Full of Shit?

Is Your Inner Monologue Full of Shit?

laurenwaikart

Sometimes I’m amazed at what we let our brain get away with. In most situations, we are SO protective over what we allow to be absorbed into our head, but when it comes to vetting our own inner monologue, we seem to let anything fly. We read a book or an article with a critical eye, quickly discarding anything that seems amiss. Media headlines are screened for fake news. Even in conversations with friends or family, we’re keen to notice when the other person is off-base or just misinformed.  

Assessing External Information

Take Steven. He’s sitting there, in a board meeting with his managers, supervisors and bosses, reviewing the latest sales campaign. He listens as his coworker waxes on about target numbers and audience reach and in his head he’s thinking “No fucking way. There’s not a chance we can make that happen. He’s way overselling our capabilities right now.”

Or when Kara was sitting around the Zoom thanksgiving table with family, which is a risky proposition in normal election years. She hears her aunt start talking about communists and snowflakes and about how the libtards ruined her ability to sell her house, and immediately Kara tunes everything else out. As it turns out, mute buttons are exactly what Thanksgiving has been missing.

Or how about when Hannah and Jack were having dinner and Hannah pointed out that Jack’s Movember growth is looking downright creepy and Jack just shrugs. The truth is that he’s grown fond of his pornstache.

All day every day we collect data, pass it through our senses onward to our brain where like an overzealous Tindr user, we swipe left, right, left, left, right  indicating whether or not the new information is worth paying attention to. 

Can I really get shredded 6 pack abs in just 7 days by drinking celery juice? No.

Will this 6-figure instagram course really 10x my sales? No

Is COVID just a propaganda stunt? nope

Will the Washington DC area be headed for unprecedented snowfall? Oh god, probably.

Assessing Internal Information

You’re a pretty smart person. No, that’s not fair. You don’t need that qualifier in there. You’re a smart person. You know this. Your friends know this. Your family knows this. You went to good schools, got the good jobs, schmooze in the “right” circles. Of course you know when someone is bullshitting (and/or is just misinformed).

You skim news headlines and think – Jesus! Who could POSSIBLY believe this crap?? How is half our country so stupid! 

You listen to colleagues talk at social gatherings (wait – what are those??). Scratch that, you USED to listen to colleagues talk at social gatherings, babbling on about how this policy or that policy will revolutionize the industry. No it’s not dude. 

You hear your best friend waxing on about her latest beau, who is clearly a womanizer with zero interest in any long-term, committed anything.

It’s not rocket science. You can just read through the lines. The truth just stands out to you in glowing, neon letters.

Yet, taking the words out of a must-have children’s books, you can do all this other great stuff with that brain of yours, yet you can’t filter out the same crap when it happens to originate from inside your head. For whatever reason – THAT shit is infallible. 

You suck. I can’t believe you just said that. Now everyone thinks you’re a moron and you shouldn’t even be here. You’re going to lose out on the promotion to James and James is SUCH a tool! How could you wear your hair like that on Zoom and think you could get away with it? Jesus, man, you’re going to lose this account because you can’t keep it together. Oh my god – did you just let your eyes get watery?? Dammit! Now he’s going to think you’re a basket case! I can’t believe you stayed in bed all weekend – you’re such a POS!

 Oh – and let’s not forget the chapter on COVID. Everything from how you’re going to get it and ruin all the lives of your family members to how your company is going to implode because everyone is stuck on quarantine and can’t properly check their systems. 

Now, if you imagine those lines were spewing out of your favorite love-to-hate media personality – you would be SO quick to point out how ridiculous these assertions are. YOU KNOW NOTHING! 

But, they’re note. They’re coming from YOU. We’ve already established your brilliance, so obviously your own thoughts can’t be wrong. How could such a logical, accurate and precise brain create thoughts that weren’t also logical, accurate and precise?

Bwooohahaha – cue dramatic violin music!

Your Internal Narrator Sucks

Just because you’re smart, doesn’t mean you’re exempt from some straight internal bullshit.

Ever hear of self-talk? Of course you have. You probably think it’s a bunch of psychobabble. And – it is, but it’s useful psychobabble to investigate. It’s that inner monologue you got going on inside your head 24/7, the color of the lenses through which you view the world. 

You may not even be fully aware of your monologue. It usually operates in the background, just under your focused awareness until you pause for  a second and can hear it echoing around in there.

 It’s almost like that movie, Stranger than Fiction where Will Ferrell’s character is walking around while Emma Thompson narrates his life. That basically your inner monologue, speaking softly (or loudly) in the background, commenting and passing judgement on everything you do.

Have you ever stopped to think about your narrator? A narrator is some sort of character or voice who tells us what’s happening in a story. Regardless of who the narrator is, the fact that there IS a narrator will skew how we hear the story. Narrators are biased. They can only see part of the story, they only have access to certain pieces of information, and their perspectives alter whether or not we believe what they say.

How would the story be different if a different narrator were selected? Would a tragedy be turned into a  comedy? Would a drama seem less dramatic?

This conversation came up recently. I’m reading my daughter Harry Potter for the first time. She adores Harry and his friends and loathes those slimy slytherins. What she sees is precisely reflected from the narrator.  But what if we weren’t seeing the story from Harry’s point of view? What if instead, it was from Snape? Or He-who-shall-not-be-named? Or just some random hufflepuff? How would our understanding of hero vs. villain and good vs. evil change? 

Similarly, what would it be like if YOU had a different narrator? If instead of hearing criticism on your attire (OMG, are you wearing THAT?), you heard a warm, encouraging voice, what would that be like? Who would you want to narrate your life?

What’s your narrator saying?

If you want to play around more, try this – take a few minutes and write down every little thought that comes to mind. A stream of consciousness.

For example:

I need to be writing more. This is the last day of the month so the last chance to post in November. Besides, you need to get this done, so you can move on to the next thing. There’s at least 18000 books you still need to read. You need to sign up for that course course you wanted to do. And update your practice policies. Not to mention Christmas preparation. And OH BY THE WAY – It’s cyber Monday. In other words – BUY ALL THE THINGS. But also not buy all the things because you need to save for a car.  Also, have you been a good mother, wife, friend, daughter today? Have you meditated today? Networked? You need to download the new workout plan. Did you drink water recently? (No – big sip of water). What’s for dinner? Have you sent the grocery order in yet?

The wording may look neutral. Nothing particularly malicious in there. No name-calling. But can you sense it? That drum beat? It’s like the pace starts to quicken and the volume gets louder. A background chant of dontforget.dontforget.dontforget. Almost like a really annoying high school coach and it’s sprint day. TWEET. Whistle blows. GO. Again. GO. Again. Faster faster faster.

Scanning for bullshit

Once you’ve written down your inner monologue – read back over it. What stands out?  Are your thoughts equally as ‘go-go-go” as mine were? Or, is there a different theme? The critic who is telling you everything you do sucks? Or the fortune teller who is predicting all sorts of horrible things will happen?  Or maybe it’s your  inner brat, whining and complaining about how life is unfair.  Maybe a little bit of all of these things. Does it sound like anyone? 

If I look back at my life, who was the person who was always beating the drum of ‘do-more’? It’s my Dad, asking what I’ve done to be productive today. Judging me for my adolescent sloth. Where are the grades? Where is the money? Eye rolling if I’m vegging out. Sighing at my messy room. If you’re not doing then you’re not worthwhile.  

That’s my current narrator. The voice who believes I need to always being go-go-go if I want to make anything of myself.  Maybe you have a similar narrator. One who is keeping track of your endless to-dos, always pushing you to do more, be more. Never settling. It’s probably pushed you to success and achievement. But it’s relentless isn’t it? That quest for “enough”. But “enough” doesn’t actually exist. It’s an unquenchable drive.

Change your narrator

The problem with these different narrators is that they don’t necessarily have YOUR best interest in mind. It’s always someone else’s best interest. 

What would happen if you responded to each one of those thoughts with the inner calm of your wise-minded self. 

Mine would look at my endless to-do and question “Do you really need to do all of thee? It seems like a lot. What’s reasonable to work on today? Slow down.  This isn’t a race. Stay with the process of what you’re doing.  If you want to write today – awesome! Write! But if you don’t, that’s okay too. 

Having trouble accessing a wise-minded narrator to respond to that inner monologue? Maybe it’s time to invest in some food old fashioned therapy. I offer free consults, and if I’m not a good fit for you, I’ll help you find someone who is.

What’s Keeping You Stuck

What’s Keeping You Stuck

laurenwaikart

I’m a to-do list type of person.

I could make endless to-do lists. When I was a kid, I used to have a list of things I could do when I was bored. “Making more lists” was on that list. I kept the sheet safely tucked away in my trapper keeper. 

Whenever I move to a new city, a tourist to-do list is one of my first to-dos. Living in DC, I made a to-do list of all the different restaurants to try, parks to visit, museums to walk around. Didn’t matter if I had any real interest seeing the things those boxes represented. It was mostly to make sure that I didn’t miss out on anything. Now that I’m in Uganda, I went through one of the popular tour books, starring all the things I wanted to check out. Lists are my happy place.

I make checklists for everything.

Recipes to try – there’s a list for that.

Books to read – there’s a loooooong list for that.

Places to visit – there’s a list for that.

I even made a list of different workout classes to try at a gym I joined and made it through 15 by the end of the month.

New Years eve has a special place in my heart, not because of all the fanfare, but because it’s a GREAT time to plan out another list of goals. September iis a close second since it’s associated with the start of a new school year – more goals!

There was a time period in my life where I used to write out all of my yearly goals, then my quarterly goals, and even my monthly goals. When I’m really on it, I break those further down into weekly and daily goals. I’ve made and remade these lists a half dozen times, if not more. There’s something insanely satisfying about keeping such a list, and of course, even more satisfying when I get to check or cross off an item on said list.

Yet regardless of how amped I am when I make these lists, that energy rarely carries me through to completion. I don’t know how many times I’ve attempted to get myself to do something, only to find that my motivation was not where it needed to be. Sometimes I lament this fact.

I lay around saying “ugh….I don’t feel like it”. 

“I’ll do it tomorrow”.

“I’m not in the mood”

And that, my friends, is the problem with motivation. It’s like a mood. It fluctuates. It shifts. It certainly isn’t consistent nor is it something that you can count on. It reminds me of a ripening avocado. I mean, maybe you can time things perfectly so that your motivation is sky high right at the moment you’re ready to make some life-altering change. But most changes don’t require a one-and-done mindset. They require sustained effort for DAYS. 

You may be thinking – hah. Motivation is not a problem for ME. I have incredible self-discipline. That’s how I got to be so successful. My bullet journal explicitly details how and when I will achieve all of my goals. This is SO basic.

Perhaps.

BUT.

If this were true, then what gets in the way of being successful in every part of your life?

Motivation for Change

Many of us, myself included, have areas of our lives that come easy. Perhaps you excelled in academics. You figured out the system of studying (or just generally being a genius) and were able to get the grades you needed without too much consternation. Other kids around you would complain and stress and suffer through poor study strategies, but you seemed to figure it out.

But just as often, success in one area doesn’t automatically translate into ALL areas of our lives. While you might have figured out one area, for some reason, another completely confounds you. If your career is on fire, you may find that your relationships are lukewarm at best. Or maybe you have an awesome family life, but you’ve let your physical health decline over the past few years.

What is it about these problem areas that you can’t quite figure out? Why is it that you find yourself facing the same problems at work, at home, in relationships, with yourself over and over and over again? You’re not dumb, so what’s going on?

For many of us, dare I say – all of us, as we go about the world, our minds are constantly providing us with the narrative of our lives. It’s like watching a movie with the director’s commentary enabled. The mind tells the story of who we are and why things are happening the way they are. Sometimes this works out awesomely. Why did we get that promotion? Because clearly we were the best candidate for the job and because we worked way harder than anyone else did. Is that factually correct? Who knows, but the brain has latched on to that as its version of the story.

Sometimes though, this does not work out in our favor. Why do we have trouble in relationships? Oh, it’s because no guy has ever been good enough and chances are they’ll just leave you and break your heart anyway so what’s the point of really letting yourself be vulnerable anyway? Factually correct? Again, who knows, but the brain has latched on to THAT as its version of the story. 

The brain as your narrator

Right this moment, your brain has a full and comprehensive story about how you became you and what challenges you’ve had to face, and chances are, you accept this story without question. Because really,  how often do you review this story for accuracy? For utility?

Think of a problem that has plagued you. What are the stories your brain tells you about this problem?

For example – I self-identify as an introvert and for a long time felt that I was socially awkward and did a poor job of making friends. Now, imagine walking around with a brain banging a drum about how you’re so weird and socially awkward. Would you guess that it would be easier or harder to be socially successful? Answer – HARDER. If your brain is yelling at you that every social interaction is going to end in failure, why on Earth would you ever bother making an attempt? But that’s the crux of it – when you buy into these messages, your behavior changes in response. When I believe that I’m socially awkward, I’m more likely to not interact with others, to turn down social invitations and to perceive every interaction as awkward. Does it matter that my brain might not be right? Nope. Do I stop to question the assumptions my brain makes for me? Nope.

But…what if your brain is RIGHT you ask.

You know, it may be. There are times when I AM socially awkward. There are times when I DO find it challenging to make small talk with others. But my brain would have me believe that BECAUSE I’m socially awkward, I should give up all socialization. My brain wants me to believe that socializing is hard and uncomfortable so I should avoid it. In the short term, that may feel a little better, but in the long term, I’m not able to form the relationships I ultimately want because I’m too busy avoiding the things that feel uncomfortable in the present moment.

So… does my brain hate me you ask.

Your brain doesn’t hate you. If anything, your brain is agnostic about you. It’s in survival mode and unfortunately, survival brains are wired to find threats. They aren’t wired to easily find joy and satisfaction, so we can’t get pissed off at Brain just because its doing its job. Instead, we need to shift focus to change what CAN be changed. That’s where YOU come in. Your job is to question the narrative. If your brain is making assumptions about life, don’t you think you should check in with those assumptions to see if they’re at least on the right track?

It’s not something we often do, and certainly wasn’t something I often did until I immersed myself into the world of psychotherapy, self-help and personal growth. Now I think about my thoughts all the time. I question whether they’re accurate or whether they’re helpful. I question where they came from. Sometimes I tell them to go away. Sometimes I tell them “Right on!”.

With my own social anxiety, I didn’t always feel awkward, so what changed for me? It’s hard to even pin-point a specific something that my brain responded to, but instead several situations occurred over a few developmentally important years that left me questioning whether I was okay. What started as subtle self-doubt morphed into a practically paralyzing fear of social rejection, and here I am 20 years later, still needing to challenge those beliefs that my 10 year old self first latched onto for who knows what reason. I can choose to let those beliefs direct my life, or, I can see them for what they are – beliefs rooted in my personal history that may or may not serve me in my present.

How do you write a new story? By first acknowledging that you want a new story AND that there’s a part of you who is afraid of what it might take to be the hero of that story. When you think about this recurrent problem in your life – what are you afraid might happen if you take the steps necessary to confront it?

I want to be in a relationship with an equal partner who loves and respects me for me, but that might mean I have to show who I really am, which leaves me feeling exposed. 

I want to meet new people and make friends, but that might mean putting myself out there and risking rejection.

I want a promotion, but I fear that I’ll risk failure and humiliation if I go for it.

I want to have a healthy relationship with food and my body, but that might mean I have to give up the previous ways I’ve dealt with feeling lonely, upset, uncertain, or afraid.

I want to have kids, but I fear what doing so will do to my relationship with my partner, not to mention my body.

I want to be closely connected with my family, but I fear that might mean confronting hurts from the past which may create new hurts or tension.

I want to leave my current relationship, but I fear having to let go of the stability I have now.

I want to move somewhere else, but I fear making a bad decision and getting stuck somewhere worse.

I want to start exercising and getting in shape, but it’s going to take so much time, energy and effort, I fear I’ll just give up, so why start.

I want to be able to bond with my kid but she is ALWAYS pushing my buttons and we both just end up mad and frustrated with each other, so maybe it’s better if I just let her be.

The closer you get to actually making a change, the stronger the narratives become about why it’s going to be so hard/a disaster/not worth it. So if you really want to make a change – you need to be able to address and challenge those messages your brain is trying to sell you on.

My goal is to continue writing and speaking on the subject of change, motivation and emotional avoidance. If you have a question related to these topics – I’d love to hear it.

You may find that you get stuck trying to change your narrator. If this is the case for you, seeing a therapist could help. One of the roles I play is as an objective observer to your process, so that we can identify any blindspots in your that may be keeping you stuck in a set of unhelpful beliefs.

The Gold Star: Micro Steps Towards Progress

The Gold Star: Micro Steps Towards Progress

laurenwaikart

“Snake!” I yelled. The over-sized green mamba swung its head to look at me. No one else in the 7-11 seemed to care.

“SNAKE!!” I yelled louder, holding my left foot in the air as if I were the Karate Kid preparing my crane kick. Sure, that would take down a green mamba. Again the patrons ignore my pleas and debated Cool Ranch over Spicy Nacho Doritos.

Why was no one as freaked out about this as I was? Why was the green mamba single-mindedly focusing on me? The mamba U-turned and reared up its head. I darted its head at me, trying to strike while I batted it away with my foot. It dove again, this time connecting with my flesh.

Tap tap tap

Something sharp and cold poked my forehead, but I can’t say it’s what I expected from green mamba fangs.

Groggily, I opened an eye to see my 5 year old standing in front of my fully dressed in a pair of pepto bismol pink shorts and a turquoise blue shirt with sparkly dinosaurs all over it.

“Mmmprg. What time is it? Is your lady bug green?” (Lady bug is actually not a lady bug at all but an OK to Wake alarm clock that looks more like a little green alien than a lady bug).

“I think so. Lizzie is awake too. Can we have breakfast now?” I hear my husband stir and shift out of the bed.

Oh thank goodness. A free pass to roll over. This is unlike me. I’m generally an early bird. I prefer waking up before the sun, before the kids, and having that moment to myself to do whatever I want. It’s like starting the day with a gold star because you know you did something good for yourself.

But instead of that scenario, each night this week I go to bed jittery and alert and every morning I awake feeling as though someone squirted Elmer’s in my eyes.

Jet lag is a bitch.

My family and I flew back to Uganda last weekend from the US. It was relatively direct as far as African travel routes go, but still , there’s nothing easy about 36+ hours of travel with two little kids. Despite my efforts to shift my body to its new schedule, my brain is just not wanting to cooperate. I’ve found myself staying up into the wee hours without a single yawn urging me to bed. I end up working out at 11. Skimming through marriage therapy texts at midnight. Meal planning at 1am.

So back to this morning. My husband lured my daughter away from my bedside with promises of warmed banana bread for breakfast, and while I could have taken that opportunity to attempt to resume my dream, I didn’t.

Instead, in the words of Anna (of Frozen II fame), I did the next right thing. Which in this case was to drag my butt out of bed and jar myself out of my groggy stupor.

But how was I to function in this state? My head slowly scrolls through the information I accumulated over the years about behavioral change.

State. I need to change my state. I need to think opposite thoughts and do opposite actions.

I chugged a bunch of water. Shook my head vigorously a few times. Eighties danced around my room while unpacking one of my still unpacked suitcases. And I frankly pretended that I wasn’t nearly as exhausted as I felt.

And you know what? It kind of worked. Go figure. As it turns out, the whole Cognitive-Behavioral paradigm of changing your mental state and your behaviors as a way to change your mood played out. Thanks CBT! Secondary credit goes to Alfred Adler for his ‘Act as if’ mantra.

While I was proud of myself for not caving to the sleep fairies, I won’t pretend that I felt like my toddler the other day after she lapped down her first DumDum lollipop (Flavor: strawberry. A reward for surviving her COVID test), but I was able to get through my day without napping. And that’s what it’s all about for me. Not napping.

Kidding. What I mean to say is that making these small changes in our day may not feel like much. They may not feel like something to celebrate or even something to acknowledge. But often, progress does’t come in big swoops and leaps. More often, progress comes about through those tiny little nudges that shift the needle ever so slightly towards our own unrealized potential. So when you notice yourself challenging your own status quo, make sure to give yourself credit for it. Maybe even a gold star.

Exercise: What small progress have you made in your own life? Did you give yourself credit for it? If you can’t thinking of something, what small step could you take right now?

Emotional Responsibility

laurenwaikart
Welcome to 2020
From Reddit u/atomicprimeo

There’s a lot of shit going on right now. It seems like in every corner of the globe, something is exploding, imploding or on the brink of doing either. Makes you question if Earth or God or whatever higher power you ascribe to is a little annoyed with the human race experiment.

Some people are dealing with the end of the world as we know it better than others. That’s perhaps not particularly surprising. Some people are better at dealing with everything better than others. But what nugget do these magical unicorns have, that maybe the rest aren’t quite aware of.

I feel like I’ve been having the same conversation over and over again. Sometimes it’s with friends or family members. Sometimes it’s in sessions. and sometimes it’s even in my own head. It usually starts with an awareness of something happening, and that something being no good. What follows is a wide range of emotions – anger, frustration, distress, sadness, helplessness, etc. Then there’s the secondary reaction – the anger, sadness and frustration that one would even have to experience these feelings in the first place.

I mean, what the hell man? Why do we keep having to deal with things that are outside of our control and that impact us on this very personal level? Why is the world exploding? Why are things the way they are? Why doesn’t my partner understand why I’m upset? Why is my country failing so miserably to find a way forward? Why are the people around me being such inconsiderate assholes? There is so much pain pent up inside this tightly wound ball of our perspective, screaming at the injustice of it all. It yells out “ARGH! WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY!?”

And I mean, I get it. The so-called negative emotions don’t feel great. There’s that pit-in-the-stomach sensation that goes with sadness. The antsy, jittery feeling of anxiety. The tingling, heated, throbbing angry sensation. And, my personal least favorite, that gut-punch, spike of adrenaline that goes with fear. I don’t begrudge anyone who isn’t specifically looking to experience more of that in their life. But sometimes we give our emotions just a wee bit too much power. They are, after all, just feelings. They may be strange and complex, but they, in and of themselves, aren’t dangerous. So why do we act like they are?

As a young therapist-in-training, the model on which I was educated focused on identifying and exploring a client’s “emotional avoidance” while encouraging that person to engage in “emotional tolerance”. There are few of us who get any form of adequate emotion coaching or mentoring, so if client’s can emerge from therapy being able to confront their emotions and “feel the feels” rather then avoiding them through drugs, alcohol, exercise, eating, self-harming, ruminating, or depending on others to manage their feelings for them, I would count that as a success. But at the same time, Emotional tolerance can only get you so far. I feel like it’s missing a key part of the picture, and the key part is responsibility. Tolerating or accepting emotion has this implication that the emotion is going to happen to you, just like all this cruddy stuff in the world is going to happen to you, and your job is to just sit there and take it. Accept that the anger is there. Accept that the sadness is there and ride it out.

I think we’re capable of more. Accepting an emotion sounds peaceful, but it also takes us out of the driver seat of our own experience. As if to say that we’re resigned to just watching our lives play out in front of us rather than taking center stage.

What would that mean, then, to take full ownership of your emotions?

For one, it would mean giving up your emotions as excuses.

  • “Sorry I was such an a-hole, I was just really angry about something my boss said.”
  • “I can’t hang out with you today” (because I’m way to anxious to leave my house).
  • “I know you wanted to have sex, but I was feeling too annoyed with you to having any kind of connection.”
  • “You hurt my feelings, so I’m going to ignore you and give you the silent treatment”.

For another, it would mean taking a step back, identifying what your tendency is, and then, in most cases at least, doing the opposite thing.

  • “My kid is pushing my buttons like whoa and all I want to do is scream my head off and yell at her to go to her room. Instead, I’m going to go sit down with her calmly and connect with her on an emotional level so she understands where the boundary is, and what the consequences are if/when she crosses it”
  • “My husband is being a complete grouch. It makes me want to avoid him so his negativity doesn’t rub off on me. Instead, I’m going to approach him, compassionately and empathetically and offer him support – even if he doesn’t ask for it”.
  • “My mom is criticizing me yet again and spouting off her wacked-out opinions. I want to snap at her for her backwards ways and uninformed beliefs. Instead, I’m going to accept her as she is, even if she has trouble accepting me as I am, while also affirming who I am, what I like, and what I believe.”

What do you think? Have you ever been able to take a step back from the roar of your emotions long enough to see a different way through them? What’s happened?

Not sure about therapy?

laurenwaikart

I’m a therapist so obviously I’m a pro-therapy individual. I drink the therapy kool-aid so to speak.

But I get it. You may not be into the same kool-aid that I am. Maybe you’ve considered doing therapy, but you’re just not quite ready to commit.

Maybe it’s not the right time. You’re trying to keep to some sort of teleworking schedule. You’re trying to be a homeschool teacher. You’re trying to KEEP. IT. TOGETHER. I get that. Therapy is a time a commitment. You’d need the hour+ (ask me about intensive therapy options!) in addition to some headspace to practice the therapy skills in your real life.

Or maybe you don’t have the finances for it. You or your spouse has lost their job. Or you’re job is still intact but the clients have gone down, meaning your income has gone down. I get that too. I do offer some discounts, (see COVID discounts) but therapy is still an investment and you would need to decide whether you’re ready for it.

Or maybe you don’t know if you really need it. Maybe you question whether things are that bad? You compare yourself to other people and see that their life circumstances seem way worse, so who are you to complain? I get that, too. There will always be a reason to not start therapy, and very many people wait until their absolute breaking point before scheduling an appointment. Then again, there’s also the chance that what you’re going through will get better on it’s own, and you can handle it without going to therapy.

So, for those of you who are considering therapy – but aren’t ready to jump in just yet, I give you a list of exercises you can try on your own to start the process. And – bonus – should you decide to start therapy, some of your work is already start.

1. Start monitoring. 

There’s a quote by business strategist Peter Drucker that says “what gets measured, gets managed.” If you’re currently dealing with a low mood,a dn you’re hoping to change that, one of the first things you can do is to start measuring it. What do I mean? I mean just jotting down on a 1-10 scale where you mood is on a daily basis. You can be more specific by rating your depression, anxiety, stress, anger, etc separately, or do your mood as one big lumped feeling. If you struggle with relationship challenges, rate that. Question whether you have disordered eating? Rate your urges to use those behaviors and whether you use them. Is there a pattern to your mood? Are certain environments, situations, or people tied to your lower/higher mood days?

2. Describe your day

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), one technique is to describe how you spend your time on a given day. Starting with when you wake up, write out your daily schedule and then rate each activity based on how much enjoyment it gives you, how important it is and how accomplished it makes you feel.  

TimeActivityEnjoyImportantAccomplished
7-8amBreakfast w/kids263
8-12pmHomeschooling174
12-3pmWork Meetings475
3-6pmHelp kids w/school work255
6-7pmDinner453
7-8pmBedtime for kids273
8-10pmWork287
10-12amNetflix500
Example Activity Chart

When creating your daily activities list, it can be helpful to give perspective to your rating scale. What is your maximum, minimum and middle for each rating scale? Ie, for me, dancing to 80s music is a 10, grabbing a coffee with a friend is about a 5, and managing my toddler’s tantrum is a 0. Sometimes we may describe an activity as awful, but when compared to something we really don’t like, it’s not that bad. I don’t like filing taxes, but I would happily work on my taxes over dealing with a toddler tantrum.

3. Identify mini-goals

Much of therapy involves goal setting. “What do you want to get out of counseling?”, “How do you want life to be different?”, or “If you could wake up tomorrow and the problem you’ve mentioned has resolved, what would your life look like?”, etc. Because of these big-picture questions, client identify big-picture goals: “I want to feel good again”. “I don’t want to hate myself anymore”. “I wouldn’t be stressing over every little thing”.

And these are great starting points to give the therapy some direction. A therapist would then help you break those down into small, more concrete goals, so if nothing else, you’d know when you reached them.

Fortunately, you don’t need a therapist to set goals. But, as a suggestion, the smaller and more objective you make your goals, the easier it is to identify correlating action steps, so that you can, you know – actually achieve them. So for example, maybe you’re very much aware that you’re not getting enough sleep and you would like to get more. How much more sleep would you like to get? What time would that mean you need to get in bed by? What historically has prevented you from adhering to some sort of bed-time routine? What would be all the little steps you would need to take in order to increase your sleep quantity/quality? Now, pick one of those steps to start with, and try it out this week. Life is not a sprint. It’s not even a race. It’s a journey and every step you take, regardless of how small, is still forward movement. What movement can YOU take tomorrow, or even right now, towards your goals. 

4. Read your goal list daily

How many times have you decided you were going to either start a new habit or stop an old one? You start off gung-ho and super motivated: This is going to change your life! You’ll be so awesome after this! And within a few days, you’re cutting corners, forgetting what you set out to do, or, gasp – blatantly refusing to follow you’re own guidance. We’ve all been there. Establishing habits to reach our goals is hard work. What makes it slightly easier is having ever-present reminders that we want this change, AND then making ourselves acknowledge those ever-present reminders by rereading our goals. If you have a post-it note with your “drink more water” goal stuck to your coffee pot, to your computer monitor, to your steering wheel, etc. You’re more likely to 1) remember you made the goal in the first place and 2) take action to work towards that goal. Of course, if you’re at all like me, this won’t do anything for those rebellious streaks that see such reminders and shouts “Screw you! I don’t want to drink water right now! Now give me my coffee!”

5. Increase your exposure to positive messages

Look, our brains are already really good at identifying all the crap in our worlds. The news and social media echo apocalyptic visions of our socially-isolated futures, resulting in a situation in which there’s basically no way to avoid the negative spew unless you’re trying really hard. If you’re already feeling emotionally on-edge, you may be one comment away from camel back-snapping territory (as in, the back of a camel snapping under burdensome weight of life – not a broken camelbak (R)). You may not be able to control all messages you’re brain receives, but you do have some ability to combat the negative that you’re receiving. This could mean:

  • Limiting your exposure to people who are excessively pessimistic
  • Following people on social media who offer uplifting messages
  • Balancing your news consumption with some positive stories
  • Spending more time talking with friends and family who encourage and support you
  • Leaving yourself affirmations around your house/workplace (“This sucks, but you can do it”, “you’re freaking awesome at your job”, “this too, will pass”, etc.)
  • Offering those around you words of support and encouragement. We could all use a boost.

Doing the exercises above won’t replace the feedback and guidance you would get from a licensed mental health professional, but they will give you an idea of where you could use additional help. If you find these exercises challenging, or maybe life is too overwhelming right now to even attempt them, I would encourage you to reach out for help. If you’re at all curious, remember that I (and most other therapists) offer free consultations. That means you can test the waters with no commitment required.

If you’re considering therapy, what is holding you back from saying yes?

Honoring Your Goodbyes

Honoring Your Goodbyes

laurenwaikart

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

It’s often said after a death is announced, but rarely is it talked about in other contexts. Like this context.

Across the world, our lives have been changed. Permanently? Who knows, but certainly in a very visceral and in-the-moment, way. Weddings have been canceled or put on hold (hopefully just put on hold). We can’t attend funerals of our loved ones, or tend to them on their sick beds. We can’t meet up with one another. We can’t see one another. We can’t say goodbye to one another.

My family and I will be heading back to the US after about a year of living here in Uganda. There are a lot of mixed emotions with this move as I’m sure anyone who has experienced a relocation will attest. But the feeling that is most prominent right now is just sadness. Sadness over the loss of this life. Sadness that our “once in a lifetime trip” to stare into the eyes of a mountain gorilla have been canceled (gorillas can get covid too). Mourning what we created here.

I’m no stranger to moves. I was in the military in my 20s, in the 7 years I was on active duty, I packed up my stuff and moved 12 times. Back then, I had a tendency focus only on 25 meter targets (ie, things that are right in front of you). What did I need to pack. What paperwork did I need. What housing could I find. I hugged my friends from the losing post as If I’d see them all again in a week or a month, but in the back of my mind, I knew that that wasn’t super likely. But when you move around a lot, this is part of the survival strategy. In part because there are practical steps you need to focus on in order to settle in, but also because acknowledging loss doesn’t feel good.

As I’ve gotten older, good byes have taken on more importance. I’m more aware of the permanence of them. Even if we kid ourselves by saying that we’ll keep in touch or that we’ll see friends again, the dynamic you once had in a specific place will never be the same. Whatever you had with your coworkers, friends, family – that’s gone. There be a new dynamic in place later, maybe even a better one, but the old one isn’t coming back. And at least for me, that’s sad.

There may be new opportunities and new friends and that’s all great. But it shouldn’t come at the expense of ignoring the sadness of losing what was important.

As expats, we may look at ourselves as champion good-byers. We’ve done this before. We know how to move and start over again. But sometimes the focus on survival causes us to forget the emotions that come with the starts and stops. And I’m here to say, that those emotions are important and shouldn’t be forgotten. Focusing on the ‘what’s next’ shouldn’t come at the expense of acknowledging what we’ve lost. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to think that this change thing sucks and maybe we don’t want it to happen. And it’s also okay to be happy or relieve that this change is going to happen. Maybe we also want it to happen. Emotions aren’t mutually exclusive, nor do they happen on a polarized spectrum.

So for anyone out there dealing with emotions associated with change, I feel you. I feel my loss acutely. I’m sad and that’s okay. Nothing I can do and nothing no one else says or does can make the sadness go away. Sadness is not a bad thing. Sadness is a message for us, just like all the other emotions. My message is that there are aspects about this current place and this current life that I really value. I want to remember the comfort and ease I’ve experience while living here. The warmth and openness of the people. The feeling of being accepted quickly by a community. The general vibe of “It will be okay. We will be okay”.

So my advice to others experiencing some kind of loss – be sad. Allow yourself to grieve. You lost something important and that deserves acknowledgement. Feel the feels. Don’t ignore them or deny them or dismiss them or minimize them. Just let them be. Use some mindfulness skills to observe them. Those feelings will rise, they’ll peak, they’ll move on. Maybe another wave will come up again when you’re reminded of what’s been lost. That’s okay, it’s part of the process. Sit with them and notice. Eventually the sharpness of the edge starts to dull, and you feel like you can move and focus again.

Always let your (emotions) be your guide

Always let your (emotions) be your guide

laurenwaikart

Emotions get a bad rap. I’ll be the first to say I was not always on-board with listening to, feeling or otherwise acknowledging my emotions. It was drilled in to me at a relatively young age that emotions are superfluous, unnecessary, messy, inconvenient, and certainly not fit for public consumption. Not to mention – they certainly said a lot about you as a person and what you cared about.

The kid who cries because he didn’t get what he wants? What a brat! And also his parents suck because how dare they allow their kids emotions be on display. Or the kid who gets angry and throws, hits or kicks to demonstrate just how clearly upset she is.

Perhaps those are poor examples, after all, they’re kids. Kids are notorious for having unstable moods and flipping from ecstasy to despair faster than you can blink. I’m actually witnessing this right now in my own kids. “You can have a piece of cake (YES!!!! Full ecstasy!!), but not for breakfast (NO!!! Utter despair!)”. Part of growing up is learning about all these different states called emotions and learn how to engage with them. Anger is okay – biting is not. Sadness is okay – but maybe we don’t need to sob on the floor of the grocery store. We learned when emotions are acceptable and what behaviors are acceptable outlets of those emotions.

Unfortunately, sometimes the messages we receive about emotions get a little scrambled, and by the time we’re grownups, we don’t necessarily have the best handle on them. Instead, we learn various strategies to “cope” with the emotions, some of which may be harmful, some of which may be completely ineffective, and some of which may be preventing us from living our lives as fully as we would like.

Examples:

  • Growing up in a family who viewed sadness as a weakness. The sadness is still there, but now can’t be expressed and instead is made visible through different means: engaging in self-harm, using substances, developing an eating disorder, etc.
  • As a shy person, feeling highly anxious about social situations and so avoid places or environments where social interactions are likely: weddings, reunions, meetups, dates, etc.
  • Not liking how uncomfortable certain emotions make you feel so learning to control your environment so that you aren’t forced to experience anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, etc. When you are put into a situation outside of your control (cough cough, covid19), the overwhelm feels almost unbearable.
  • Coming from a family that never shows emotions and meeting the person of your dreams, who happens to come from a highly expressive and confrontational family. You realize that you don’t know how to communicate in such a way that the other person can even hear you.

Emotional Guidance System

What we rarely learn in childhood or elsewhere, is just how useful and important emotions are. And I don’t just mean in woo-woo, self-awareness sense, but also in a practical day to day to sense. What no one tells you (unless you go into therapy), is that emotions are our guides. We have developed these internal systems to alert us about the outside environment and how what’s happening IN THIS VERY MOMENT aligns or conflicts with our core values.

Sadness – Indicates there has been a loss, that something you want in your life is missing

Anger – Indicates a threat or that boundary has been violated

Guilt – Indicates that you have done something wrong which needs to amended

Fear – Indicates a threat or some kind of danger

Anxiety – Indicates a potential threat in the future

Joy – Indicates that things are good

How awesome is it that we were equipped with these? Also awesome – that we’re a social species, so while our emotions communicate something to us about what’s going on, they also communicate to those around us about what’s going on, so that we better know when to stay away and when to approach and offer help.

The one caveat to this whole emotional thing is that in order to receive the message from your guidance system, you have to be listening. That’s often where many of my clients struggle. We have been taught to tune out, ignore, “control”, or otherwise minimize the signals we receive from our emotions. Learning to tune back in can be a challenge. You might not hear anything. So instead, I offer this suggestion:

Observe your behaviors

Just like our emotions are our guides to how things are going in our lives with respect to our values, our behaviors are our guides to our emotions. Thankfully, behaviors are WAY more obvious that emotional signals. Anytime you find yourself having an urge to do something, that’s the time to check-in.

Last night, I got my kids to bed, it should have been time to relax. Instead, I had a very strong urge to eat chocolate. Like, a lot of chocolate. Okay, check-in time. Was I hungry? Nope. Was I tired, yeah, somewhat. Was I angry? sad? Nope and nope. But I was tense. And a little jittery. Ah – that one is anxiety. The president of Uganda was making yet another speech about the current state of the country-wide lockdown. My social media feeds were blowing up. Some young men were loitering on our street, taking pictures of our house. All of this led to a general sense of unease.

This leads to another important part of emotions: they guide us to action. Anxiety alerts us to a potential threat, so what is the potential threat, and can I do anything about it? The threat is that no one knows where this whole covid thing is going. No one knows how the people of this country in particular will handle sweeping movement restrictions. And I don’t know if those guys are plotting to attack my house or are posing for their instagram feed. What can I do? I can’t change the president’s edicts, but I can limit how much social media about it is streaming into my head. I can’t chase those guys off the street, it’s public property, but I can alert our guards (all houses/compounds here have guards) to their presence and them to keep an more vigilant eye out. I can ensure all my doors/windows are secured and that our outside lights are working. This is all helping to address the potential future threat. For the future threat I have zero control over? That’s where relaxation and breathing techniques come in. Remaining in a over-hyped state is not useful. It breaks down the body and actually limits the cognitive functions you probably want online should shit hit the fan and really spatter (splatter?).

If I had not checked-in with myself, I would have quickly grabbed some chocolate (and then more chocolate) in hopes that the small burst of dopamine would calm me down and make me feel a little better. And while it may have in the very short-term, it doesn’t address the threat that the anxiety was trying to alert me to, which means I would have needed more and more something to keep that anxiety feeling at bay. Better to just notice it, feel it, and take appropriate action.

What emotion do you find yourself avoiding? What do you suppose it’s trying to tell you? Drop me a note and let me know.

One Expat's experience amidst COVID-19

One Expat's experience amidst COVID-19

laurenwaikart

I keep trying to finish this post. I get to a good place, leave it to post the following day, only to wake up the following morning to a completely different world. The global anxiety is straight up palpable. Generally I don’t consider myself particularly anxious, but as one small member of the large human race collective, I can feel it. It’s like standing next to a large magnet. I don’t see anything, but I can sense the charge in the air around me. I feel my own heart rate thumping a little faster and notice my muscles holding on to more tension than normal.

This is a surreal situation to be in. A situation that many of us have neither experienced nor contemplated experiencing. Some sort of natural disaster or emergency localized to one area, okay, that’s within the realm of understanding. But a pandemic. A threat to the entire world. What is happening??

As a resident in a country that, as I’m writing this, has not yet been affected, has just had their first case, is only just now having multiple confirmed cases, I feel as if I’m watching a massive tidal wave approach. It’s already washed over communities in the distance, and I see it headed straight for us, but in what time frame? With what consequence? Relatively benign? Catastrophic? I watch friends and family across the world reel from the effects this virus has caused. Some are taking it more in stride than others, casually shrugging shoulders as if this was all one big fire drill. Others are posting from their hospital beds, pleading for the rest of the world to take the dire predictions seriously.

Multiple times this past week, I have been in a position of making decisions I don’t feel equipped nor emotionally ready to answer. Mostly, they revolve around the central question of do we stay/do we go. And, at multiple times this week, I have found myself completely paralyzed – mentally and physically. As a therapist, I have training in helping to guide someone towards a decision, and yet when I was in the hot seat, even knowing all the tricks, I couldn’t guide myself anywhere. I felt frozen. Any shift would be a vote for one course of action over another. I can make a pro/con list all I want, but emotions don’t always fit into neat, tidy boxes.

What complicates matters is the self-awareness of my own biases when it comes to risk. I am a chronic minimizer when it comes to danger. Sometimes this comes in handy: I can remain calm in otherwise stressful situations or not feel overwhelmed with fear when I am faced with some sort of threat. But it also means that I might miss or downplay important indicators something is wrong.

So when faced with the decision of deciding whether my family should abruptly back a bag and evacuate our home, my brain short-circuits itself. It tries to weigh the risks on both sides: fewer cases in current country but a more vulnerable health infrastructure to manage the virus when it does hit versus thousands of cases in my home country, long airline travel to get there, but at least the system holistically is in better shape and would be more likely to withstand the strain of the ongoing pandemic.

My gut? It says stay put. This is our home. We have our stuff here. We are comfortable here. We are healthy (right now). I can weather a quarantine much better from this walled compound, with a full pantry stash, complete with space to run around and play for the kids.

But then the doubt creeps in. Are you only leaning that way because of your bias? Are you making a false conclusion about the risk in staying put? Are you downplaying the potential for needing medical care and then not being able to receive it? Is this about you just not wanting to be inconvenienced by a 30hr flight followed by quarantine with two small high-energy kids? Are you choosing convenience over safety?

And then I freeze. Because I can’t answer those questions. But what I can do, is just listen. To use the mindfulness skills I’ve been cultivating to check-in with my whole self for answers my brain can’t quite access. When I do that, I can sense my path. It’s not very loud, just a slight feeling that whispers: stay.

So we’re staying.

I have no idea if it’s the “right” decision or if I will regret the decision in a week from now. But at this point it doesn’t even matter. The decision has been made. Now the focus is figuring out how to make the most of what’s here now.

What decision(s), are you facing and finding yourself getting stuck on?

Meditating on Mosquitoes

Meditating on Mosquitoes

laurenwaikart

Let’s play an imagination game. Pretend you’re sitting in the most comfortable of positions in the coziest spot you can imagine. You’re wearing soft, stretchy cotton, a fleece wrapped around your arms. You’re sitting or laying in a position where you can’t detect a single ounce of pain or tension. You are TOTALLY zen. You’re breathing is soft and even and you feel as if you are one with the world. Everything is wonderful.

But then – you hear it. The sound. THAT sounds. It starts off small, barely an audible whisper. Slowly it grows, raising in its pitch, inching closer and closer to you.

She’s coming for you

You try to ignore it. You’re in zen mode after all. Just notice and move on. Focus on breath. Observe the sensations.

But then you feel the soft shift of air right by your cheek which triggers an uncontrollable shiver through your body and you swat at the air near your head. You’re zen. Focus on your breath. Just notice your experience. Notice the sound. Notice the potential sensations. Notice your reality.

Hello reality, you suck.

Who the hell are you kidding. You can’t get that noise out of your head. You’re getting more paranoid, now starting to feel pinpricks randomly all over your body. You start swatting to the left, to the right. You try to cocoon yourself in your comfy clothes, cinching your hoodie drawstrings around your face. But still – you hear their siren calls and every ounce of you wants to run for the comfort of the indoors, or at the very least, douse yourself in a liberal coating of your favorite bug spray.

This was the exact situation I found myself in this past Saturday evening. I excitedly booked myself a solo getaway – a yoga retreat in a secluded forest lodge – and found myself attempting to remain serene and accepting of the swarm of aggressive ‘squitoes buzzing furiously around my body.

The other yogis and I all chuckled about the experience after the fact. We all agreed that their presence made it infinitely more challenging to focus on anything other then the high-pitched bzzz of their little wings.

Looking for the right answer

On the way home from the retreat, protectively encapsulated from further biting in my 4×4 , I considered the grander meaning of these little jerks and my interrupted meditations. I mean, what IS the right answer? Are you supposed to sit and NOT react? Meditation teaches us to do just this. Notice. Observe. Watch. Listen. Bare witness to the present moment.

In that moment, I bore witness to the sound of a crackling fire in front of me, the rhythmic chirping of grasshoppers, my own breath evenly entering and exiting my body. I bore witness to the smell of the citronella and lemongrass bug spray I had spritzed on my exposed skin, the logs on the fire breaking down to embers. And I bore witness to the feeling of warmth from the fire on my shins, the seam of my coat underneath my fingers, and the sharp prickle of a thousand stingers piercing my flesh. I was being shredded by mosquitoes. That was my reality.

Am I supposed to just sit there and take it? Even given that I happen to live in a malaria-prone region and just happened to forget my anti-malaria meds for the weekend? Is there benefit to allowing yourself to be hurt, taken advantage of, even abused for the sake of “noticing” and “observing”?

In my digging around through various resources, unsurprisingly, the internet is conflicted. I found a timely and appropriate article on Medium in which the author seemed to be pro-mosquito. A few similar forum discussions suggest that you should just be still, regardless of how nature may intrude on your practice. Buddhist monks chime in by saying that if you try to run away from an experience, it will follow you until you’re able to accept it. I wonder where the line gets drawn: mosquitoes okay, but fire ants? Snakes? Scorpions? Lions? I’d like to think that life-threatening situations can be exempt from continued meditation.

Other sources, like the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, as well as material from ACT and DBT practices (two therapeutic modalities) suggest that awareness of what’s happening is step one, but action afterwards can be warranted. In most examples, the discussions center around situations in which you have no control. Makes sense to learn to accept what you wouldn’t be able to do anything about anyway. But what if you do still have control? Then, shouldn’t you use it? Provided of course you first notice what’s happening. In that sense, I’d like to think I sufficiently noticed the mosquitoes around me before I then made the decision to end my meditation early.

ACT in particular has you explore whether the action you would like to engage in is supported by your values. This probably makes the most sense when it comes to mosquito meditations. What type of person are you trying to become? What are your overall goals? If you are in training to become a Buddhist monk, practicing non-violence, then maybe slapping at a mosquito isn’t the right call. But if you’re just a lay person like me, whose values won’t be dramatically assaulted should you choose to hide inside, then go ahead and escape. I certainly won’t judge.

Radically Accepting mosquitoes

So – how did I ultimately handle my mosquito fan club? Did I Radically Accept the mosquitoes? Yes and no.

I accepted that I wanted the moment to be different.

I accepted that I wanted to remain peaceful, and still and be focused on my meditative task.

I also accepted that there were a lot of mosquitoes who seem undeterred by bug spray and in a malaria-prone environment, and for me, the potential gain from meditating in that environment was not worth the potential consequences.

So I quit early. I went back to our lodge, grabbed myself a tea, and read for bit. Firmly establish boundaries are okay. Even in meditation.

Even now I still question that decision. Some part of me, the one who values stick-tuitive-ness over all else or perhaps the part of me who prides herself on being the perfect student, was triggered by my quitting. I find myself criticizing my action. Really? Why couldn’t I have just held out. Can I really not handle the sound of mosquitoes for 10 more minutes? The resulting bug bites I did receive weren’t even that itchy (although in my defense, there were over 40 of them).

This I see is my bigger lesson. Acceptance of experience shouldn’t stop and start like a teenager learning to drive for the first time. Experience itself is an on-going, ever-flowing process. Which means our practice involves continued acceptance, including accepting whatever choices you’ve made, whether they were 5 years ago or 5 minutes ago and accepting how you feel now.

I can be disappointed with my meditative performance. I can feel sad that my self-critic is still loud enough for me to notice. I can be frustrated that such a commonplace situation created a ripple of negativity that hung around me longer than I would have liked.

And I can accept that these emotions are temporary, and like my mosquito bites, will fade.