Category: Uncategorized

Why Can’t I Achieve My Goals?

laurenwaikart

If You Wanted to, You Would

I try to avoid social media for the most part, as I’m very susceptible to falling into internet holes, but I do occasionally peruse reddit, and couldn’t help but notice the “If he wanted to, he would” line get used sporadically. If you’ve heard this phrase, or something similar, chances are it was related to dating advice, or maybe it was in the form of the catchy country song. Ie, if (insert person of interest) wanted to, then (insert person of interest again) would. If he loved you, he would tell you. If he wanted to be with you, then he would. The implication of course is that desire is sufficient to cause action. And we can apply it to other forms of relationships too – if your friend wanted to hang out, then they would make plans. If your mom wanted to hear from you, she’d call.

Similarly, if you wanted to, you would. Makes sense.

If you wanted to exercise more, you would.

If you wanted to have a better work/life balance, you would.

Or if you wanted to meditate daily, you would.

And yet you don’t.

What happens when deep in our hearts we’re desperate to make some sort of change – whether’s it’s overcoming burnout, reducing stress, or coming to terms with that shitty childhood you had – yet you still feel stuck? That’s pretty much the number one reason why people come to therapy. They want something in life – a better (or any) relationship, a healthier body, a more focused mind, a more satisfying work life – and yet try as they might, they can’t achieve the goals they set for themselves.

Internal conflict: The source of stuck

So why doesn’t change happen? If you’ve identified something you want, why don’t you just go out there and get it? I know you’re smart. I know you know how to google “How can I get better sleep” or ask ChatGPT for sleep hygiene suggestions. So then, what gets in the way? And why is it that, things only get in the way in certain areas of life, whereas in others you can crush goals left and right.

feeling stuck, can't make the changes you want so you binge watch in bed with candy and wine
Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Is it merely a lack of skill? Did you not read Atomic Habits closely enough to pick up the specific tools strategies that will work to propel you from who you are to who you want to be? If you can just habit stack the right way, you’ll finally take the time to wash your face each night, have a solid bed-time routine and not stay up 2 hours later than you wanted because you feel down an internet rabbit hole about Sean Paul’s misheard lyrics. Then again, you could probably create a listicle on the top-ten ways to improve sleeps that would rival anything Buzzfeed can come up with. You’ve read the books. You listen to the podcasts. You know what you’re supposed to be doing. But. You. Don’t. Do. It.

So if it’s not a lack of skill, is it a lack of desire? Maybe you don’t really want to get in better shape. Maybe that’s just something you saw as a headline on your feed and thought it would be a good idea to add to your list of things you should do but never will like meditation and long walks with a rucksack. Except that you do really want to change. In fact, you’re desperate to change and to be able to live life differently than how you’ve currently been slogging through.

This is the point where you just get fed up. Clearly there’s something wrong with you. Everyone else and their brother are able to make new habits stick. If you can’t, it’s likely because you’re defective and never will be able to change. You’ve been trying to make things shifts for years. You might as well stop trying. Give in. Grab that bag of chips and load up your current Netflix binge. And yet often our inability to change is not because we lack the knowledge or the desire, but that there’s a deeper internal resistance to change, perhaps fueled by anxiety or even past trauma.

Rolling with the Resistance

I hear you. And I see you there, sitting in pool of pity, discouraged and demoralized and wallowing in comfort calories. This is the part of you that often gets overlooked during habit change and goal-making talk. The part of you that maybe isn’t so gung-ho about all this self-help crapola. This part has been in the trenches with you and has helped you to create and refine an individualized batch of strategies to help you get over the bumps in the road. And this part is not exactly convinced that the grand ideas you have are going to lead anywhere good. This can be particularly true for individuals experiencing burnout, where the exhaustion and lack of motivation exacerbate feelings of inadequacy.

So why don’t you do the things that you want? Because you, and all the bits and bobs that encompass you, need to have consensus before you can move forward. While you may think you’re in charge, because, you’re YOU and who else could be YOU other than YOU, the reality is that we’re all governed by a bunch of subparts. Sort of like having an advisory panel, or an internal executive committee. And when one of those committee members disagrees with the direction you’re headed – perhaps due to anxiety or fear related to past traumas – they can really sabotage your efforts.

So instead of letting setbacks completely derail you, use them as opportunities to get curious about what’s happening in your advisory panel. Who’s not happy? Which one of your advisors doesn’t want this change to happen? What is it that they’re concerned will happen if it does happen? As you start to find out the answers to these questions, you’ll get a better sense of what concessions might need to be made in order to actually make these changes stick. Understanding these internal dynamics is a key focus in therapy. If you’re struggling with this internal conflict, feeling overwhelmed by stress or anxiety, or experiencing the debilitating effects of burnout, reaching out for professional support can provide you with the tools and insights needed to finally move forward and achieve your goals.

Emotional Responsibility

laurenwaikart
Welcome to 2020
From Reddit u/atomicprimeo

There’s a lot of shit going on right now. It seems like in every corner of the globe, something is exploding, imploding or on the brink of doing either. Makes you question if Earth or God or whatever higher power you ascribe to is a little annoyed with the human race experiment.

Some people are dealing with the end of the world as we know it better than others. That’s perhaps not particularly surprising. Some people are better at dealing with everything better than others. But what nugget do these magical unicorns have, that maybe the rest aren’t quite aware of.

I feel like I’ve been having the same conversation over and over again. Sometimes it’s with friends or family members. Sometimes it’s in sessions. and sometimes it’s even in my own head. It usually starts with an awareness of something happening, and that something being no good. What follows is a wide range of emotions – anger, frustration, distress, sadness, helplessness, etc. Then there’s the secondary reaction – the anger, sadness and frustration that one would even have to experience these feelings in the first place.

I mean, what the hell man? Why do we keep having to deal with things that are outside of our control and that impact us on this very personal level? Why is the world exploding? Why are things the way they are? Why doesn’t my partner understand why I’m upset? Why is my country failing so miserably to find a way forward? Why are the people around me being such inconsiderate assholes? There is so much pain pent up inside this tightly wound ball of our perspective, screaming at the injustice of it all. It yells out “ARGH! WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY!?”

And I mean, I get it. The so-called negative emotions don’t feel great. There’s that pit-in-the-stomach sensation that goes with sadness. The antsy, jittery feeling of anxiety. The tingling, heated, throbbing angry sensation. And, my personal least favorite, that gut-punch, spike of adrenaline that goes with fear. I don’t begrudge anyone who isn’t specifically looking to experience more of that in their life. But sometimes we give our emotions just a wee bit too much power. They are, after all, just feelings. They may be strange and complex, but they, in and of themselves, aren’t dangerous. So why do we act like they are?

As a young therapist-in-training, the model on which I was educated focused on identifying and exploring a client’s “emotional avoidance” while encouraging that person to engage in “emotional tolerance”. There are few of us who get any form of adequate emotion coaching or mentoring, so if client’s can emerge from therapy being able to confront their emotions and “feel the feels” rather then avoiding them through drugs, alcohol, exercise, eating, self-harming, ruminating, or depending on others to manage their feelings for them, I would count that as a success. But at the same time, Emotional tolerance can only get you so far. I feel like it’s missing a key part of the picture, and the key part is responsibility. Tolerating or accepting emotion has this implication that the emotion is going to happen to you, just like all this cruddy stuff in the world is going to happen to you, and your job is to just sit there and take it. Accept that the anger is there. Accept that the sadness is there and ride it out.

I think we’re capable of more. Accepting an emotion sounds peaceful, but it also takes us out of the driver seat of our own experience. As if to say that we’re resigned to just watching our lives play out in front of us rather than taking center stage.

What would that mean, then, to take full ownership of your emotions?

For one, it would mean giving up your emotions as excuses.

  • “Sorry I was such an a-hole, I was just really angry about something my boss said.”
  • “I can’t hang out with you today” (because I’m way to anxious to leave my house).
  • “I know you wanted to have sex, but I was feeling too annoyed with you to having any kind of connection.”
  • “You hurt my feelings, so I’m going to ignore you and give you the silent treatment”.

For another, it would mean taking a step back, identifying what your tendency is, and then, in most cases at least, doing the opposite thing.

  • “My kid is pushing my buttons like whoa and all I want to do is scream my head off and yell at her to go to her room. Instead, I’m going to go sit down with her calmly and connect with her on an emotional level so she understands where the boundary is, and what the consequences are if/when she crosses it”
  • “My husband is being a complete grouch. It makes me want to avoid him so his negativity doesn’t rub off on me. Instead, I’m going to approach him, compassionately and empathetically and offer him support – even if he doesn’t ask for it”.
  • “My mom is criticizing me yet again and spouting off her wacked-out opinions. I want to snap at her for her backwards ways and uninformed beliefs. Instead, I’m going to accept her as she is, even if she has trouble accepting me as I am, while also affirming who I am, what I like, and what I believe.”

What do you think? Have you ever been able to take a step back from the roar of your emotions long enough to see a different way through them? What’s happened?